demons.

Everyone has demons that they have faced in there past. This is part of mine. I have disowned my family, and people don’t understand why, after reading this you may now know. I guess the very first incident was when I was three. I cant remember exactly so I go by what I have heard and found out. When I was three they tell me I broke my collar bone. There are also two stories about how it happened. The first story my parents say that I was three and my brother was five at the time and they said they were sleeping when my brother made me a bowl of cereal. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t know any five year olds that can pour there own bowl of cereal. So apperently he was making me cereal and I was jumping on the couch when I supposdly fell and hit my collar bone on the coffee table. Apperently I then sat down and ate my cereal and so nobody knew I had even fallen. Which what three year old doesn’t cry when they fall. Then they said later that night we were at the bowling alley. Where if you have ever been in a bowling alley they are very loud, especially on league nights. They said I was running down the hall and fell on my collar bone and yelled so loud that everyone in the bowling alley stopped and stared and that’s when they finally took me to the hospital and said it was broken. That was the first story I was told. The second story was that I went to the hospital with a broken collar bone and the doctors said my father did it. He said that he was arrested cause they thought he threw me against the wall and broke it. Oddly specific. But there was an arrest record and cps record about it yet they somehow got me back. That was the first time they tricked cps, and wont be the last. That story is Definity more believable. 

I guess the next incident that I actually remember would be when I was in school, old enough to write so I would probably guess 5th or 6th grade. I would write stories about my home life and give it to my teacher. Who then reported it to cps. Who would investigate but my parents convinced them that I was a liar that made up stories so again they would get me back. And it would then be ten times worse at my house. My father would beat me while my mom would just sit there and cry. I don’t know how a child giving specific details and telling the same story over again is making things up. But I guess back then beating your child Is acceptable. I remember crying in the corner in time out and then beaten by a belt because of something I would say. 

In 5th grade we stayed with an “uncle” who I don’t know if he was my uncle or if that’s just what they wanted me to believe. But my family disowned him even though he was the only one that ever stood up for me. Now my parents were always favoring my brother. My brother would often fight with me and hurt me, flinging me into the coffee table and giving me bloody noses. There are many examples but sibling rivalry is pretty normal, the way everyone idealized him he could never do no wrong. My uncle was the only one that didn’t think so. Now my parents would often go bowling, usually three times a week plus tournaments. So when we were with my uncle he would watch us. Our bedtime was at a certain time and my parents wouldn’t be home until later so if he wanted to go to bed before they got back he would be nice enough to program the tv to turn off exactly five minutes before they would get home. So I had enough time to watch my tv then run to bed before getting in trouble. One night though I was in my room and my brother was pissed off about something. It somehow ended with my brother on top of me smothering my face into a pillow, I couldn’t breathe. My uncle came in and got him off and spanked him and told him to go to his room. When my parents got home they were pissed off at my uncle for spanking my brother, not giving a care that I could have died. So that’s why they disowned him. Because he saved me and punished my brother, something nobody dared to do.

In middle school it still was difficult. At school I was made fun of and then at home id get made fun of and abused. I was constantly grounded over nothing. And groundations meant literally everything in my room would be taken away except my bed and my clothes.  even my books would be taken away. My brother he got caught stealing. That was the one and only time he ever got in trouble and it was only a grounding nothing else. He would flunk his classes and they would just tell him to do better and would bribe him to do his chores, but me they would threaten me to do anything and if I would get a c I would get in trouble. And then everything got worse. My parents went bankrupt and we lost our house. We went to live with my parents friend and his dad. It was a half of a duplex. Two bedroom place and so the friend and his dad had the bedrooms. My parents on the floor and me on the loveseat couch and my brother on the regular couch. That was our new home. But my brother was always at other peoples houses. He never had to be home and if he was, he would usually be in one of the rooms with my parents friends. Sense he was never home I asked if I could switch to the big couch, but no, it was closer to my parents so they wouldn’t allow it. Behind the loveseat couch lived the mama cat. She was a very mean cat constantly clawing everyone and I was afraid, the cat would jump behind and out of behind my little loveseat couch and I was in constant fear. To make matters worse my parents, on the floor in the living room right by me. Would still have sex. Even if I was awake, which they knew I was because I would wiggle my feet and they would just throw a pillow at me and tell me not to move until they said so they could finish. And no I don’t just mean so they could get dressed, but they would finish there action. I was mentally scared for life.

If it wasn’t physical abuse it was verbal abuse. Telling me im a liar and that ill just end up as a stripper and ill never have a boyfriend. Great parenting advice. I remember a lot from the bowling alleys. This girl that my brother liked was there, my mom didn’t like her. While I would sit there with nothing to do I would be forced to listen to my parents for any entertainment. My mom called the girl a slut and the next time I saw her I told her, and of course she told her mom who flipped out on my mom. Who then again went off on how im such a liar. When I got home they gave me a lecture about not making assumptions and again the belt comes out. when I know what I heard I didn’t assume anything they just didn’t want to admit any fault. They had two kids in high school they never got there childhood so they still act like children. My parents told me if I wanted something im supposed to persuade them of why I should get it. So at the bowling alley another night I was hungry or thirsty and asked for something, they often would get fries and a drink to share and they would get a pitcher of beer, so I had asked for something and they said no so I tried to argue my case. Well that was a mistake cause they didn’t have the money and I told everyone that they couldn’t feed me and were terrible parents all because I wanted something while I sat there doing nothing. So when we got home that night I got in trouble saying like oh you think we don’t feed you well heres some food, as they made top ramen in the microwave and shoved it down my throat so I could eat. It was undercooked and cold. They wondered why I still didn’t want to eat it. I then put myself to bed early. My mom asked why I wouldn’t just eat, I told her it was cold. She would get upset that I would piss off my dad then she had to deal with him. But I never saw him beat her, just me. She would just cry.

One fourth of july in high school my parents dragged us to this nasty river with there friends. I was very ashamed of my body, I was hairy and my bathing suit didn’t properly fit. I was in the water with a floating tube to hide myself in when I felt my bottom bikini sliding off. I asked someone to bring me a towel. My parents thought I was being a lazy piece of shit that just didn’t want to get it myself. I almost got one of the kids to bring me a towel but they said he would get in trouble if he brought me one. So I sat in the water holding myself up with the floating tube for hours. My arms went numb and I couldn’t move them. Everyone was leaving and I had to get out. I had to drag myself through the sand on my butt still trying to use the tube to cover myself, getting sand everywhere. I got pneumonia and sat frozen in the same position all night while everyone else enjoyed the fireworks. All because I wanted a towel. This is by far not all. But my biggest demons I face everyday. Parents are supposed to shape how their child grows up, not make it worse so they want to kill themselves while in there household.